You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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