When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
