Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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