one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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