Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i would punch a child for taco bell
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
