I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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