Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
