First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
