I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
