I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
