Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
