Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
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Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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