Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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