They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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