quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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