guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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