i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
me + whiskey = a bad person
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
