Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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