it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
