literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
