this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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