I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
