wakey wakey hands off snakey
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
