i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
