tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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