there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
