i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
