6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
