So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
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It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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