All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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