he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
