I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
