i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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