Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
