Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
