Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
