someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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