Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
