its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
