i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
