So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
