first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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