i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
