hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
splinters make it hard to masturbate
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
