Can i not drive my cunt home
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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