Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
