her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
