The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
