he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
