I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
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Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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