I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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