i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
