Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
