Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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